My Hidden Wound That Keeps Leading to Conflict

Right now I am in the process of clarifying the direction of my business with the support of a business coach.

As part of that process, my coach had me take a values assessment, where I self-identified my top 10 personal values, my top 10 current business values, and the 10 values that I will want to embody to grow my business to match the vision I have for it.

It was a powerful process, until an old, and hidden wound popped up and got in the way.

As my business coach presented the results of my assessment, she did so using the framework that is part of the platform for this assessment. My values were represented in visual form, where there are 7 levels and various dots to show where my results fell.

A short while into her explanation I tuned out and got defensive.

Luckily, my coach recognized the energy shift and stopped us. She shared how she was feeling and then asked, “What is going on for you?” A simple question, that when given sufficient wait time, brought forth a wave of emotion that had been hidden for a long time.

Despite my coach saying that there was no “right or wrong,” as I looked at those dots all I saw was “right or wrong.” It had unknowingly brought me back 30+ years to when I was a child and my parents were reviewing my state assessments, which also consisted of dots on spectrum--where there was a clear “right or wrong” in my parent’s eyes.

Over the course of my childhood my parents words of “This isn’t good enough,” became “YOU aren’t good enough.” (This isn’t meant to be a criticism of my parents as I know that they were doing the best they could.)

What this means for me, is that from the time I was a young girl, I have spent a good amount of my time proving that I am good enough. That I am smart enough. That I am capable enough. That I am __________ enough.

So, when my business coach presented my assessment results as dots on a page, all I saw were the dots that weren’t at level 7. All I saw was further evidence that I wasn’t “good enough.”

It was this “not good enough” story that was a major contributor to my conflict with my former boss.

It is this “not good enough” story that is still a major contributor to my conflicts with others because it is really a conflict within myself.  

The great thing about this story, though, is that it is just that--A STORY, which means that I can re-write my story all day, everyday until the old one fades into the darkness.

You can too!

I think that many of us share the “not good enough” story, and it is that story that leads to most of our conflicts. It is this “not good enough” story that leads to our need to PROVE, to PROTECT, or to HIDE.

If your story is getting in the way, what can you do to rewrite it?

Compassion. Connection. Collaboration.