 SOMEONE ELSE’S REACTION DOESN’T EQUAL YOUR FAILURE
The other day, I shared a video about fear and most of the commenters noted that their major fear was around failure, or embarrassment, or negative feedback, etc,. All of which got me thinking… When I think of my past “failures”, there is always someone else involved in the equation, and I deem myself a “failure” based on someone else’s unfavorable response to something I did or didn’t do. And this has been going on my whole life... >>I failed a test because my teacher decided I wasn’t up to his/her standard. >>I failed to get into a specific university because the admissions office decided I wasn’t a fit. >> I failed at an interview because someone didn’t offer me the job. >> I failed to persuade my husband that we really need a second car. >> I failed to sell out my e-course because not enough people signed up. In each and every case, my “failure” is dependent on someone else’s action. What if we take the other person out of the failure equation? >> What if instead of failing a test because I didn’t meet a specific standard, I actually succeeded at the test because I studied hard, I did better than the previous test, I answered more questions, etc? >> What if instead of failing to get into a university, I simply wasn’t the right fit? >> What if I instead of failing at an interview, I succeeded in maintaining my confidence and cool under pressure, I prepared for the interview by doing some mock interviews, I answered all the questions succinctly, and I was authentic? >> What if instead of failing to persuade my husband, I instead planted a seed that if watered regularly, might bloom some day? >> What if instead of failing to sell out my e-course, I relish the fact that I created a new e-course from scratch, with hours of fabulous content, and used multiple new marketing channels to get visible? So, what if instead of having an equation like this? OUR GENUINE EFFORTS + SOMEONE ELSE’S REACTION = FAILURE It were to be this? OUR GENUINE EFFORTS = SUCCESS Looking back, I know that there are still plenty of examples where I still “failed” even if you take the other person out of the equation because I know that I wasn’t BEING or DOING my best. I wasn’t living with integrity. I wasn’t practicing my values. Those I can own. For the rest, though, I know that there is room for celebrating my successes, even if someone else would have seen it is as “failure.” This is definitely a work in progress for me, what about you? What if you took out the other person from the equation? What successes can you celebrate? Forever learning, Theresa
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 WHO HELPS HOLD YOU ACCOUNTABLE? I am part of a French book club. We meet every month for 2 hours to talk about a book that we have been “assigned” for the month. It’s a way to practice not only our French reading skills, but also our French conversations skills. I am not quite through this month’s book, and realized that I will be unable to attend our next meeting due to conflicts. And you know what happened? My motivation to continue with the book did a NOSEDIVE. A serious one. Prior to knowing that I wouldn’t attend, I was dutifully reading every day, and now, I haven’t read for days. Has something similar happened to you? You are super motivated to start something or re-start something, and then poof, your motivation plummets? My problem is lack of external accountability. Yes, I could be accountable to myself, but it seems that other people do such a better job of it. Do you know why? Because I am driven to connect and I am also driven to look good in other people’s eyes. It’s a combination of my need for connection and my need to be and feel valued. That is why I set myself up to succeed as much as possible. That is why I am part of a French book club. That is why I have a running partner. That is why I have a business coach. That is why I am part of a mastermind. I know that they will hold me to my commitments and integrity, even when I don’t hold myself to them. And what’s more, there is no differential in power between us, like with a boss-employee, or teacher-student, or parent-child relationship. I am not worried about being admonished for not stepping up. They are in my corner with compassion and inspiration (sometimes without even knowing it.) Who is helping hold you accountable? Not just to your goals, but to who you are committed to BEING, not matter what happens. Keep Moving, Theresa Courage. Compassion. Connection.P.S. If you are looking for a new source accountability and inspiration, come join my new FB group--She Thrives, We Thrive. It's all about courage, compassion, and communication. See you there!
 When I was growing up, my parents taught us how to be good people. They taught us how to do the “right thing.” They taught us the importance of working hard and getting good grades, so we could one day go to college, get good-paying jobs, and provide for our own families. I do not deny that that did right by me. Unfortunately, it was HOW they taught me those things that I wish had been different. I distinctly remember a time when we were all invited to go to my dad’s boss’s house, which was this huge mansion (with an indoor basketball court). Serious business. A lot of the day is vague, but the one moment that I remember quite well was when I met “the boss.” My dad introduced me and I probably said a shy “Hi” and that was it. The man wished us well and went back to his other guests. Once he was out of earshot, my dad laid into me with a shit-storm of shame. I can’t remember the exact words he said, but I remember him reprimanding me for not being respectful, for not saying “Nice to meet you. Thank you for inviting us,” etc. I also distinctly remember feeling like the tiniest speck of a person. Feeling incredibly small. Unfortunately, that way of speaking to me was the undercurrent of my childhood. If my parents didn’t like my behavior, my words, or my attire, they used shame, guilt, or fear of being punished as a way to “keep me in line.” And it worked. I was a good girl. I got good grades. I went to a good college. I got a good job. But it also had a cost. To this day, I am still a little afraid of my dad. Afraid that he will again leave me feeling like a tiny speck of a person. Afraid to share my thoughts. Afraid to be myself. Fear drove me, but it also disconnected me. When I left my former job with my not-so-great boss, and dove into the world of coaching and personal development, I realized that I had inherited the same tactics for changing the behavior of others. Over the 2 years that I had worked for her, I had used fear, shame, blame, and guilt to try to motivate her to change. I may not have done so directly, but I was still doing it. I encouraged others to go to HR to report her, hoping that FEAR would drive her to leave. I SHAMED her incessantly with others, and within my own head. I BLAMED her for my unhappiness at work. And finally, I used GUILT as a way to manipulate her to do it my way. Because of all of my learning, it feels icky for me to think of that now. I hated it when my parents made me feel small, and yet I find myself doing it to others too, even if inside my own head. And that is why I want to break the cycle. I want my children to do things because they WANT TO (even if it does have a natural negative ripple effect), not because they HAVE TO or are AFRAID not to. I also want all the other people I interact with to do things because they WANT TO rather than because they are afraid not to. I want others to “do the right thing” in support of HUMAN CONNECTION and LOVE, rather than FEAR. Now, I don’t know what your upbringing was like, but I wonder if you were also taught how to behave with fear, shame, blame, and guilt as motivators. If so, how did you feel when these tactics were used on you? Is that how you want to BE with other people? If not, how can you break the cycle? Courage. Compassion. Connection. Most of us have a someday or a one day dream. Maybe it is to travel to some exotic place. Maybe it is to run a marathon. Maybe it is the do something else exciting and a little scary. Maybe it is just to find a different job, or get a dog, or whatever. We all have one, and often we have many.
My someday has always been to live abroad. Ever since I traveled after college, I have had this strong desire to live in another country. I love being in a different place, with a different culture, different language, and just a different way of being. I wanted to be there full time. Over the years I have continued to visit new places, but I have always come back home. When I met my French husband, I figured this would be the best, and easiest opportunity to live abroad. Who doesn’t want to live in France, right? Over the years we talked about it a lot. Someday we will move back to France. Someday, when the time is right. Someday, when we finish the house. For the last 7 years we have talked about someday. Finally, our someday is ceasing to be an illusion and is actually becoming a reality. We move to France in less than a month. The definition of an illusion is this: something that looks or seems different from what it is; something that is false or not real but that seems to be true or real; an incorrect idea: an idea that is based on something that is not true That is why someday is an illusion. It isn’t real. It doesn’t exist in a calendar. It is a fantasy. Someday only ceases to be an illusion when you start taking the actions to reach it. Someday is also safe. Reaching your someday takes work, both emotionally and physically. Sometimes it takes courage. Sometimes it takes time and money. Sometimes it takes planning. Sometimes it means asking for help. Sometimes it means resisting temptation. Sometimes it means saying, "No." It always means taking action. My husband and I could have continued to speak in somedays and we probably never would have gotten to France. The timing never would have been right. Our jobs would have been too hard to leave. Our daughter would start school and then we wouldn’t want to uproot her from her friends. Our house would continue to need more things. We could have continued to make excuses and reasons not to move. Fortunately, we didn’t. Last fall, when we were in France visiting family and friends we talked about it once again, but this time was different. This time we set a date—one year from now we will be living in France. Once we set that date, all the actions that need to happen followed. Living in France someday became real—something on the calendar, something to work toward. My someday is ceasing to be an illusion. Yours can too.  “You are so lucky!”
I seem to be getting this comment a lot lately as I tell people that my not even 2 month old sleeps through the night. It is amazing, agreed, but I wonder how much of it is just my baby’s natural way and how much is due to the work that I am putting in to keep her on a good eating schedule, and the work to help her self-soothe. Regardless of what it is, it has made me reflect more on the concept of luck and how much we use the term in our everyday lives. Good luck Bad luck Rotten luck Lots of luck Luck of the draw Lucky streak No such luck Beginner’s luck Best of luck As luck would have it Down on one’s luck Your luck has run out Luck out Out of luck I was talking to someone about this the other day and he said that some people refuse to even use the word luck because their belief is that luck doesn’t really exist and that it is really about circumstance and preparation. I have to agree. As we tell people, “Good luck,” on a regular basis, I feel that in a way we are almost diminishing all the work that they put in to prepare for whatever it is they are undertaking.
Sometimes, when our envy rears it’s ugly head, we tend to forget about all the hard work that a person put into getting the results that they did. But, you know what, we could probably get the same results if we were willing to put in the time and effort. For some of us it might take longer than others, but as my friend said above, it is really about circumstance AND preparation. You can find countless examples of people who overcame crazy odds to succeed. They overcame their circumstances and put more time into preparation. When you notice yourself thinking of someone as being lucky, pause and and ask them how they prepared. You might find yourself just as lucky someday! For me, and for many of us, our first waking thought of the day is, “I didn’t get enough sleep.” The next one is, “I don’t have enough time.” Whether true or not, that thought of not enough occurs to us practically before we even think to question or examine it. We spend most of the hours and days of our lives hearing, explaining, complaining, or worrying about what we don’t have enough of….we don’t have enough exercise. We don’t have enough work. We don’t have enough profits. We don’t have enough power. We don’t have enough wilderness. We don’t have enough weekends. Of course we don’t have enough money—ever.  It seems like everyone is talking about gratitude these days, so I am going to jump on the same bandwagon as everyone else. Tis the season, no? Too often in our lives we spend the majority of our time thinking about what we don’t have, or want to have, or need to have, and not enough time thinking about what we do have. That is where practicing gratitude can be so powerful. When we stop and appreciate the big and little things around us that we do have, it brings us a greater sense of joy and happiness. For that moment in time, we appreciate the beauty of reality—what is here and now. I recently came upon this passage from Lynne Twist, who wrote The Soul of Money, and it filled my heart with sadness, but also a sense of relief because she offers a new lens to look through. This holiday season, I call upon you to do what Lynne suggestions. Look toward your life as being sufficient, rather than scarce. Practice gratitude, and be thankful for all that you do have, not all that you don’t. Be grateful for the small wonders and ordinary moments, as well as the grand and extraordinary. And if it is people you are grateful for, let them know. Share your gratitude with them, and allow your connection to continue to grow.
Thank you for your continued support. In gratitude, Theresa I just started taking an art journaling class that is being put on by Brene Brown in conjunction with Oprah. I don’t really consider myself to be much of an artist, but I love Brene Brown, so I figured I would give it a go. Plus, the two friends joining me for the course ARE very artistic. I figured I could learn from and be inspired by them. Unfortunately, even before the course started, I had my doubts:
So what does Brene say during our very first video: “Comparison is the THIEF of happiness.” And with that, all my thoughts had to go out the window. The whole point of the class is to let go of who you think you are supposed to be, and accept who are. One of our first assignments was to write on our hand, “I am imperfect, and I am enough.” Then we had to hold our hand up next to our face and take a picture. It is our pledge for the course. Is my art journal going to be pretty? Who defines pretty? Is my art journal going to be as good as my friends? Who’s comparing? Is my art journal going to suck? What does sucking mean anyway? Is my art journal going to be artistic? Who and what defines art? All my self-judgment and comparisons have to die, or my happiness will diminish and I wil resent the whole experience. I can be an artist. I can be messy. I can fail. I can be imperfect. I can be enough.   According to research done at Duke University and published in 2006, more than 40% of the actions people performed each day weren’t actually decisions, but habits.
When I read that statistic, it made me reflect on my day and all the things that I do. Did I do such and such out of habit, or was it actually a decision? It’s an interesting concept to ponder. Extensive research has been done around the areas of habit formation, and habit deletion, which also ties into the concept of willpower, which has also been researched exhaustively. In Charles Duhigg’s book, The Power of Habit, he explains how habits are formed, how habits are changed, and how often times we don’t recognize habits as habits, which can cause us to feel stuck, companies to be stuck, and societies to be stuck. We just do what we do, and we don’t always know why. Over time, we develop habits based on cues in our environment and then when we perform a certain action, we are given a reward, either internally or externally. For example, we see someone drinking coffee, and that cues us that maybe we want coffee too, and when we drink the coffee we are rewarded with the jolt of caffeine. What ends up happening, though, is that once the habit is formed, we anticipate the reward before it actually comes, further pushing us to take the action. We see the coffee, our brain already remembers the caffeine jolt from the previous times we have had coffee, and so we have the coffee. We don’t even think about it. All habits begin with a cue, and end with a reward. When trying to initiate a new habit, it is important to remember this cycle. If there is something that you want to start doing on a regular basis, it might be necessary to try out different cues and different rewards in order to find success in establishing the habit. And, yes, habits do take time to establish. For example, let’s say you want to start going running at you lunch hour. You might try the following cues: bring your shoes to work and leave them by your office door, set an alarm on your phone or calendar, develop a partnership with someone to run with. One of these cues might work, and others might not. You have to experiment a little. The other aspect is the reward. Once you finish the run, what is the incentive? Maybe the sense of accomplishment is enough, or maybe you have to check it off on a list, or maybe you treat yourself with some TV watching when you get home. Regardless of what you choose, it should be enough to keep the action going. Cue—Action/Habit—Reward. When trying to delete or replace a negative habit with something more positive, the same cycle can be used. In this case, you need to be a bit of a detective. What are the cues to the habit? When does the action occur? Where are you when you do the action? Who are you with? What patterns do you notice? The second thing to take notice is what is the reward for performing the action. What is being fulfilled by performing the action? Once you come up with a possibility, test it out and see if that is the case. Maybe try to reward yourself with something else instead and see what happens. Once you have figured out the cue and the reward, you can change out the action, while keeping the same cue and reward. For example, let’s say you get up and get coffee everyday at 3:00, but you are trying to cut down your caffeine intake. After playing detective, you realize that the clock is really the cue and the reward is a brief break from work. The next day, when 3:00 hits you make a decision to not get coffee, and instead take a walk, which gives you the same reward of taking a break from work, but without the caffeine. For a while, you consciously have to decide to go for a walk instead of get coffee, but over time the walk becomes the new habit instead of the coffee. After learning about this whole concept, I am trying it out at home. The new habit I am trying to perform is to floss every night. The first cue I tried is to just set the floss out next to my toothbrush, but after 2 days that no longer worked. Last night I was lying in bed listening to my husband brush his teeth and I remember that I hadn’t flossed, so I got up and flossed. I guess I have to try a different cue until I find one that works. The reward, and one that seems ridiculous unless you are a type-A personality like me, is that I check off a box for each day that I floss. Just being able to check it off is all the reward I need. After I get the flossing down, my next step is to stop biting my fingernails. :) We’ll see how habit replacement goes… What habits do you want to establish or replace?  Before I left for my trip to France, I had a conversation with myself about how I was going to be with regard to speaking French during the trip. I decided that I was going to put aside my need to be perfect and just let my mistakes fall as they may. Secondly, I was going to put my best effort into being engaged in every conversation, regardless of whether I understood what people were saying or not. I was going to embrace being patient with myself and being engaged.
And you know what?? The whole experience was completely different. One night went out with my husband’s friend Christophe, and he commented on my improved French. (I quit seeing my French tutor about 6 months ago, so who knows how my French has improved.) He also mentioned that I seemed to have more confidence speaking (and it wasn’t because I was drinking). On another day, my husband and a friend were talking and I was sitting there kind of looking at the ceiling. In French, my husband said to his friend, “Theresa is looking at the ceiling and I don’t think she is listening.” At that I said, “Sure I was, you just said, this, this, and this.” (with a smile on my face). On yet a third night, there was this back and forth conversation between a few people and I asked my husband what was going on because I thought I had missed something. Turns out I was right on track. And finally, I had my first one-to-one conversation with my sister-in-law. Imagine knowing someone for 6 years, but never actually having a conversation with them? I had always hesitated to speak with her because she knows absolutely no English and I wasn’t confident enough in my French. This time I just decided that I would engage and see what happened. It was wonderful. I think in the past I had let my fears of not speaking correctly get in the way of my ability to truly engage with others. I would also just disengage myself by drifting off into my own thoughts, since I figured no one expected me to contribute much anyway. It was often very lonely for me, inside my own head. Opening myself up to full engagement was all that really changed. And, although I am talking about being engaged speaking French, I am really talking about being engaged in life. Think about those moments when you lose yourself in your thoughts when you are with other people, or when you are doing two things at the same time. There are so many moments when we are disengaged in our own lives, which doesn’t really allow us to connect with others, or even connect with what we are doing. When I re-engaged and reconnected my joy factor went up exponentially. How are you engaged with life?  A little over a month ago I attended a seminar in which we spent a good deal of time talking about the difference between an unfulfilled expectation and an unfulfilled commitment, and how it affects us.
Let’s say I am trying to turn a new leaf and make healthier choices and improve my nutrition. I create an expectation that I will eat 3 fruits and 4 vegetables each day. As I work toward meeting this expectation, I falter one day, and get pretty upset. The expectation that I set for myself went unfulfilled and I failed. I probably spend some time beating myself up, and figure out how to start over with a new expectation. Now, let’s change the language a bit. Let’s say I am trying to improve my overall health. I make a commitment to myself to be healthy, including improving my nutrition. I start off strong and am making healthy food choices, and then I attend a birthday party and have a big slice of chocolate cake and a glass of champagne. I faltered on my commitment, but has my commitment changed? No. I am still committed to my overall health and nutrition. As soon as I finish licking the crumbs, I can continue with my commitment without beating myself up. An expectation is finite and has an end point. It is about DOING something. Unfulfilled expectations lead to upset, feelings of failure, and often self-sabotage. A commitment is through time, and takes time. A commitment is a pledge to a way of BEING. A commitment to something big will never be fulfilled. If, for some reason, a commitment goes unfulfilled, it merely leads back to the original commitment. We have this false sense that when we set goals and expectations for ourselves; we are eventually going to get to this magical place of perfection. (I hate to tell you, but that magical place doesn’t exist.) As we strive and strive to DO more, we eventually falter and get upset. Instead, I ask you to commit to BEING something more. That doesn’t mean that you don’t ever have to take action and do something, because you do, but change the language. Make it about BEING, not DOING. What are you committed to for yourself? |
Photo used under Creative Commons from lululemon athletica
