 When I was 35, my professional world imploded. For some of my clients, it was their relationship that imploded. While for still others, there was no implosion of career or relationship, but a serious earthquake, that shook the foundation and created serious cracks. If I look back logically, the origin of my disastrous relationship with my former boss, would have started when I was first transferred. But it didn’t. If my clients look back logically on their own situations, they might see an infidelity discovered, a lie uncovered, a business decision gone bad, a pink-slip passed out, etc. But that isn’t the true origin either. To find the true origin, we need to do a little time traveling. For me, and for most of my clients (and probably for you too) it was an event that happened between the ages of 3 and 7. Together, we travel back in time, to at that event from the outside, as an observer, rather than as a participant. More specifically, as an OMNISCIENT observer who knows the thoughts, feelings, and decisions of all the participants. As the time travel facilitator, I focus on the DECISIONS made by that little boy or little girl, because it is that decision, or collection of decisions that is the true origin of the current conflict. It is that decision that has been operating in the background for 20, 30, 40, or even 50 years, like the operating system of your GPS system. It is that decision that becomes the programmers code, until we become conscious enough, or fall on our face hard enough. I will not lie and say that it is an easy process because it is not, but it is a healing one, because it allows us the awareness we need to rewrite the code and reset the GPS. Sometimes when are are back there, hovering around observing, we come down to “earth” and step into forgiveness. We step into forgiveness by sending love and compassion to the people involved, especially to that little boy or little girl. We give hugs and reassurance, and paint a bright picture for what the future can and will look like. After coming back to the present, we can step into the fun part, where we time travel forward, and meet our future self. We see where she lives, what she eats, what she does, and what she says. The words, the guidance, the cheerleading, and the love she shares is immensely powerful and therapeutic after the harshness of the time travel backwards. Yet, I believe that both are needed, as they work in tandem. As we seek to rewrite the faulty GPS programing from our past, we can insert the new GPS programming given to us by our future self. Back and forth we go. Back and forth I go, honoring my past and creating my future, while living in the present. Just as we eat to nourish our bodies everyday, I am coming to believe time-travel would nourish our souls everyday. In gratitude, Theresa P.S. If you have any interest in time-traveling with me, please reach out. Courage. Compassion. Connection.
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 Our garage is linked to the main entry to our house through a small stairway with doors on each side. A few weeks ago, my daughter, who is 4, decided that she wanted to climb the stairs “in the night,” as she likes to call it. Both doors are closed with no light penetrating in, and she climbs up in the pitch black holding onto the handrail. It has now become a habit, and my 2 year old son has followed suit. Many children would think this is scary. Many children would be afraid of the dark, and wouldn’t want to do what my daughter is doing. As I have watched her do this day after day, week after week, I have held my tongue. At the beginning I wanted to ask her if she was scared, but I didn’t. Throughout, I have wanted to praise her courage for not being scared, but I haven’t. Do you want to know why? Because I have recently awakened to the idea that our feelings don’t actually become real until we name them. Nothing is scary, until we say it is scary. Nothing is worrisome, until we say we are worried. Nothing is anxiety-inducing, until we say we are anxious. Nothing is stressful, until we say we are stressed. Which means, that if I were to tell my daughter I was proud of her for doing something scary, she would then be scared. Yesterday, I was at the park with my children and I heard a dad say to his sons, “Don’t be scared of the big kids!” In that moment, I asked myself, “Were they scared? And if not, are they scared now?” A couple of hours later, back at home, my daughter and I walked into the hallway together and she turned on the light “because it is scary.” I turner to her and said, “An hour ago, you walked in the stairs in the dark and it wasn’t scary, but this is scary. What’s the difference?” She couldn’t give me an answer, but I have my own--I gave her the word and the context. The stairs between the garage and the main house aren’t scary because I never alluded to her that they were. Yet the stairs from the first floor to the second floor are scary, because at some point I told her they were. It’s the same reason she likes the hall light to be on when she sleeps--because I told her about being scared of the dark. I think that many of her fears have come from me. My words of “be careful”, and references to “being afraid,” and my questioning, “Are you sure? It might be scary.” Which begs the question, if there were no name for the emotion, is that emotion actually happening? The body sensations may be happening, but is the emotion? I often tell clients and non-clients alike, that the body doesn’t know the difference between excitement and anxiety, so why not choose the word that empowers you the most. Why not trick yourself? I am slowly incorporating that same teaching into how I talk to my children, and how I talk to myself. I am not worried, I am planning. I am not busy, I am energized. I am not tired, I am contemplative. I am not stressed, I am enthusiastic. I am not scared, I am excited. I invite you to do the same. In possibility, Theresa Courage. Compassion. Connection Have you ever heard of a KENSHO moment? I hadn’t either until about a week ago. The term comes from Zen Buddhism and refers to the growth or enlightenment that one can gain in the wake of a painful experience. It is often spoken of next to the word SATORI, which also refers to “seeing” in a new way. If you are anything like me, you have probably endured your share of painful moments in your life, ones where you may have characterized yourself has having failed or been a failure. A failed relationship. A failed career. A failed business. A failed conversation. A failed health outcome. A failed effort of any sort. Yet, inside each of these supposed “failures” resides a potential KENSHO moment. A moment when you can learn and grow. Unfortunately, not all of us choose to turn our pain into KENSHO. Not all of us choose to see the power inside our powerlessness. Two of big KENSHO moments came by my own choice. July 7, 2007 was a date that many girls dreams of--her wedding day. Yet that wedding day never came for me. Five months prior, I made the decision to call off my own engagement. To tell a man that I loved, that despite that love, I didn’t want to be with him. It was one of the toughest decisions that I have ever made, and despite it being my decision it was still extremely painful. In the spring of 2012, I made another difficult decision--to resign from the career of my dreams. One that I had devoted years of schooling, training, and money to create. Again, it was my decision, but it didn’t make it any easier. Both of these moments left me feeling powerless. I won’t lie to you and say that my KENSHO moment was immediate, as I did my share of wallowing in self-pity and asking “Why Me?” over and over again. Yet, at some point, I made a decision. I decided that enough was enough, and it was time to rise out of my pain, and into my power. I created the KENSHO. It wasn’t a failed relationship. It was a successful one because it helped me to realize what it takes to sustain a long-term relationship, and it led to my meeting my current husband just 8 days after my non-existent wedding. It wasn’t a failed career. It was a successful one because I turned toward a coach and other personal development opportunities that have all led me to a new, inspiring career as a coach myself. To find your KENSHO moments, you don’t need to change your past, you simply need to look at it from a different perspective. See the success instead of the failure. See the power inside of the pain. See the gift wrapped in the sandpaper. In Possibility, Theresa P.S. I recently invited someone to make a list of all their failures. Then to re-write the entire list with the word success instead. (Like I did above.) I invite you to try it out as well. Create your own KENSHO moments. Courage. Compassion. Connection.
 At the age of 21, with my college diploma in hand, a plane ticket to Europe, and $10,000 of my hard-earned savings, I set off to travel the world. First stop--Europe. A few weeks into my trip, I was in Berlin with a friend from high school who had been studying in Barcelona. I was thoroughly enjoying my trip and my freedom. Yet, this particular night was different. I was flirting, laughing, telling travel stories, and LOVING the attention it brought me from the guys. There was one particular guy who seemed to appreciate me more than others, and at some point I ended up sitting on his lap. It was all in good fun, and as the fun dwindled we said our good-nights and made our way to our respective beds in the shared room of the youth hostel. At some point in the night, I awakened to see that same guy now sitting on the edge of my bed staring at me. The bed was shaking. I knew what was happening, yet I pretended I didn’t and rolled over. The next morning I woke up covered in his dried semen. He was gone. As I washed away the filth and disgust, I kept saying to myself, “At least it’s only ON me, and not IN me.” I kept wondering if it was my fault. Had I flirted too much? Had I led him on? Had I done something wrong? Over time the memory faded and I decided it was “no big deal.” In the wake of the #metoo movement, and the recent testimony of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, I realize that it is a BIG DEAL. I much BIGGER DEAL than I could have imagined at the age of 21. I truly believe that there is a gift wrapped in even the roughest sandpaper, and this sandpaper is indeed rough. Voice after voice after voice of women, men, girls, and boys have come to the forefront showing how big of a deal it really is. That to me, is a gift. Because this isn’t simply a sex problem. Nor is it a political problem. Nor is it an economic problem. Nor is it a race problem. Nor is it a religious problem. IT’S A HUMANITARIAN PROBLEM--A COLLECTIVE ONE. One that goes back centuries. One in which people fail to treat other people as people, and instead use or abuse them for their own pleasure or gain--whether it be sexual, economic, or otherwise. We can see it throughout history, and we continue to see it today, around the world, and behind closed doors. My fear, though, is that the continued finger-pointing, blaming, and shaming, will only prolong the problem because the more divided we become, the more difficult it will be to create a different future. As far as I am concerned, we are all responsible and we all have a responsibility. This isn’t an us/them situation. This is a WE SITUATION, and the sooner we can see each other as ONE, rather than divergent individuals, with divergent interests, the sooner we can put an end to this disgusting habit of treating people like they don’t matter. If you have no idea how you could possibly be responsible, when you didn’t do anything, here are some ideas: >> You are responsible for your WORDS including the ones you may never speak. >> You are responsible for your INTENTION and the WHY behind your actions. >> You are responsible for your INTEGRITY and the values you choose to live by. >> You are responsible for your JUDGMENTS and the disconnections they create. >> You are responsible for your LISTENING and whether you seek to truly understand. >> You are responsible for your HEART and any love or hate that spurns from it. >> You are responsible for your COURAGE and whether you choose comfort instead. Twenty years ago, I didn't do anything. I lay in a hostel bed, wide awake, and silent while some crude young man masturbated all over me. I have no idea if he went on to do it again to other women in other youth hostels, or whether he chose to take it a step further. I may never know. What I do know is that I am ready to take responsibility for my part in this collective mess. Will you join me? Courage. Compassion. Connection. When I started my career as a teacher my sole purpose was to contribute to the lives of my students. I wanted to be in service to others because I knew that I enjoyed it, more so than I enjoyed having a fat bank account. After more than a decade, though, I become bored--yes BORED. I wanted a bigger challenge. I wanted MORE, so I turned to school leadership as my next step. It seemed logical to me, as I could have a greater influence, one that extended beyond the walls of my own classroom and into the school at large. Looking back now, though, I don’t think that the move to leadership was really about wanting to be a bigger contribution--it was really about having GREATER INFLUENCE AND POWER (and money). Somewhere along the way, I moved away from playing the game of contribution, and instead started playing another game--the game of “power”, “money”, “importance”, and “better than.” All of which came from an underlying issue of my own...my false belief that I wasn’t ENOUGH. It was this new game that eventually led to my being asked to resign from my position as a school leader. When I finally woke up to the game that I was playing, I perceived it as too late to go back into the traditional education system, and I eventually found myself in the world of coaching. (It’s own form of education, I believe.) And yet, that pull toward the game of competition and power still beckons me from time to time, because I believe it is a game that many people play. If I am honest with myself, I can see that all of the dips in my business have come because I lost sight of what game I was playing. I lost sight of being a contribution. This quote is a great reminder to me, “In the game of contribution, you wake each morning and bask in the notion that you are a gift to others.” What about you? What game are you playing? With love and gratitude, Theresa Courage. Compassion. Connection. I used to think of my judgments as wrong because that is what everyone always told me--DON’T JUDGE or STOP BEING SO JUDGMENTAL. Unfortunately, telling me to not judge is like telling me not to breath. I might be able to sustain it for awhile, but eventually I just can’t help it. It's how I have been conditioned, and it's how I continue to see the world operate. Plus, I no longer want to. I want to EMBRACE and CELEBRATE my negative judgments. (Crazy, isn’t it.) I want to do so because they are the key to my growth. I want to let them out (albeit alone), rather than suppress them, or should on them, or distract myself from them because I know that they are telling me something important. When I get curious about my judgments, rather than judge my judgments (quite a paradox), then I can develop a better understanding of what is going on under the surface. Once I can go under the surface and seek to understand the origin of my negative judgments, then I can unlock what is missing inside of me which will allow me to transform my relationship with myself and my relationships with others. And you know the super cool thing that comes next--I become LESS JUDGMENTAL. Do you know the saying, “What you resist persists?” That is exactly what I am talking about. When I resist my negative judgments, and try not to have them, they just keep coming back, and coming back, and coming back because I haven’t dealt with the hidden unmet need underneath. Yet, once I embrace the judgment, explore it, find it’s root cause, and get creative for how to otherwise meet my needs, then the judgments slowly disappear. Want to try it? In gratitude, Theresa P.S. One of my mentors who teaches Non-Violent Communication went to teach a workshop to a group of monks, who all thought that they didn't need his workshop because they said, "We don't judge." At first he was a bit lost, and then he asked, "Well, why don't you judge?" And the monks response was, "Because judging is wrong." My mentor then smiled and said, "Okay. We can get started." Courage. Compassion. Connection. Today was supposed to be my first day back at work after almost two weeks of not working, yet it didn't happen. While I was gone, my son contracted chicken pox, though it was such a light case, my husband wasn't sure if it really was chicken pox at all. When I got home on Tuesday I also had my doubts. Last Friday afternoon, I finally went to the doctor and he said, "He probably has chicken pox, though there are only a few that look like it" So, this morning, after dropping off my daughter I swung by my son's daycare, in hopes that he could stay. One of the co-directors of the daycare met me outside to check on him, but because he only has about 20 spots total. she also wasn't sure. In the end, though, she told me he could stay. I walked him inside to drop him off with his teacher. When I came back outside, another mom was red-faced and screaming at the co-director that her son wasn't contagious, that he didn't have a fever, and that she couldn't keep him home. She was totally pissed off and threatened to just leave him. The co-director was silently taking in the verbal assault and when she had a moment, she said, "I am sorry, it's the rules." The mom continued to go on her tirade about how her son only had 3 spots on his foot and that he wasn't contagious, that she couldn't take him home, etc. Another parent quietly intervened, and I took that opportunity to ask the co-director if she wanted me to take my son back home. She nodded her head yes, so I went back inside to get him. So, why was I so calm about the whole thing, while the other mother was the exact opposite? It might be because I had prepared myself ahead of time to have him come home, and had moved all my appointments this morning. It might be because I have more experience and practice regulating my emotions and frustrations. It might be because I have a flexible work schedule. What it really comes down to, though, is NEEDS. By leaving her son at daycare each day, and today specifically, this other mother is able to meet her own needs. Maybe it's the need for PEACE. Maybe it's the need for SECURITY. Maybe it's the need for WORTHINESS. Maybe it's the need for CONTINUITY. Or maybe it's all of the above, or even none of the above. What I know for sure though, is that every pissed off woman, and every pissed off man that I encounter isn't pissed off because they are a "bad person", they are pissed off because one of their vital UNIVERSAL NEEDS is not being met. The same universal needs that you and I both share. I could sit here and judge this other mom and criticize her for her behavior and mistreatment of the co-director, or I could find the compassion and understanding that she surely needs. The next time you encounter a pissed off person, or even become one yourself, I invite you to do the same, In gratitude, Theresa PS. If this resonated with you, I would appreciate your support in sharing this with those who you think could benefit. Courage. Compassion. Connection. Recently in my Facebook group there has been a lot of discussion around how much power is held by our subconscious mind, our inner critic, and our stories of NOT ENOUGH. Throughout these virtual discussions, the word “fight” has come up a lot. People fighting to push out of their comfort zone. People fighting with their resident crazy person. People fighting against their subconscious. People fighting with the other people in their lives. And yet, fighting is so tiring, and so destructive. Who really want to fight? Not me. What if instead of fighting with yourself, or with another, you were actually dancing? You may not be dancing to the same music, or to the same steps. It is possible that you are each trying to lead at the same time, and you end up going nowhere. One of you might be doing the tango, and other the waltz. One of you might be line dancing, and the other swing dancing. Even though you are out of step, and out of sync, your underlying desires are the same--to create something beautiful and magical for yourself and others. When I imagine a fight I think of blood, sweat, and tears. When I imagine dancing, I see beauty, smiles, and grace. No doubt it does take time, practice, and coordination to get to the beauty, those smiles, and that grace, but isn’t it so much more peaceful and wonderful to think of dancing with your inner critic, or dancing with your boss, or dancing with your partner, than fighting with them? Are you ready to start dancing? I am. XO, Theresa Courage. Compassion. Connection. The other day I was eating lunch and my phone rang. When I saw who was calling I said to myself, “F**k. Not again,” as a pushed the decline button. I didn’t want to talk to her because it was lunchtime, AND I didn’t want to talk to her because I consider her to be a complete pain in the ass. Do you have these kind of people in your life? Those people who you avoid like the plague because you don’t want to deal with whatever comes your way--the criticism, the negativity, the complaints, the anger, the whatever. And when you finally do interact with them, it’s like the perfect storm. Their negativity combined with your reluctance and judgments, leading to even more misunderstanding and frustration. So what do you do? What do I do? I chose to feel like it. I chose to reframe how I think of them. I am never going to FEEL like interacting with a difficult person. I am never going to WANT to interact with a difficult person. I am never going to ENJOY interacting with a difficult person. I am never going to CONNECT with a difficult person. Instead I chose NOT to think of them as difficult. I chose NOT to think of them as a pain in the ass. I chose NOT to think of them as the enemy. Instead, I chose to think of them as a HUMAN BEING who has some hidden shit going on that is causing them to act the way they do. And when the reframe doesn’t stick (which is often the case), I do something that makes me FEEL LIKE IT, right before interacting with them. In the case of this pain-in-the-ass-woman, I danced around my office for a bit, smiled really BIG, set an INTENTION TO CONNECT, and picked up the phone. I didn’t wait to feel like--I called her. I didn’t sit around and ponder what she was going to say and how I would respond--I called her. I didn’t analyze all of our past interactions--I called her. I didn’t practice my French--I called her. THE RESULT: I still got off the phone thinking she was a pain-in-the-ass, but we had a successful conversation where we connected, understood one another, and can move forward. Not every interaction is going to be EASY, but there are ways to make it EASIER. Best, Theresa P.S. Even the word “dealing” and "difficult" have a negative connotations, don’t you think? Courage. Compassion. Connection. The other day I was speaking with a woman that I know and she mentioned that she was struggling with how to deal with a fellow tenant in her building, who also happens to be the president of the homeowners association. She described him as an asshole and a bully, and that everyone in the building was afraid of him, including her, but that she was determined to work things through. When I asked more questions in order to help support her, I found out what it was like for her to have a conversation with him. She described him as being both aggressive and intimidating and that when engaged in a conversation he gets really close and continually pokes his finger at her shoulder as he is making a point. (She demonstrated on me, and I was also uncomfortable.) “I tell him 5 or 6 times to stop, but he keeps doing it. I back up to have more space and he just moves forward again.” That is when the light bulb went off in me! This dear woman had set a boundary for him, and let him know that his behavior was not acceptable with her, and then she continued to TELL him, but she didn’t SHOW him. There is a difference between SETTING BOUNDARIES and UPHOLDING BOUNDARIES, and when we have people in our lives who are not treating us the way we want to be treated, it is because we have unintentionally taught them it was okay. We can set boundaries with people all day long, but if we never follow through with them, we are in essence saying, “It’s okay, I know I said I didn’t like that, but you can keep doing it.” When we don’t follow through with our boundaries, they aren’t boundaries at all. The advice that I gave my friend is the same advice I would give you. Here are the steps I invited her to take:
Are there any people in your life who are not treating you the way you want to be treated? How can you use these steps with them? Best, Theresa Courage. Compassion. Connection. |
Photo used under Creative Commons from lululemon athletica
