It was 2009, and I was about three quarters of the way through my first year as an assistant principal, when I received a letter from the district saying that the funding for my position had been cut and and I was going to be placed back in a teaching position at the start of the next school year. At the very bottom of the letter was a line that said something to the effect of, “If you do not agree with this decision, you can request a meeting to present your case.”

After I showed my principal the letter, he urged me NOT to request a meeting, and that things would turn out okay in the end.

My mind raced with things like,
The hell with that. This is completely unfair. Two years ago when they closed schools, they moved all those assistant principals to new schools. Why not me? This is bullshit. I am not getting demoted because they have budget issues. Not going to happen.

I requested the meeting, dragging along my principal, the other assistant principal from my school, and the regional director of our school. I stood up and fought for myself and my position. In the end, I was assured that I would have an assistant principal position the following school year, but they didn’t know where.

YES! I DID IT!

My celebratory dance took a turn for the worse, when, later that summer, the human resources manager called to tell me that I was being placed WITH HER. The woman with the bad reputation. The woman who my colleague had worked for for 8 weeks before going on medical leave for stress. The woman whom I knew was a bitch.

I had put all this energy into fighting for my position, only to find myself in an even more difficult position.

I clearly had a lesson to learn.

There is a difference between fighting for WHAT IS RIGHT and fighting TO BE RIGHT.  One comes from deep within us--our values, and the other comes from our ego.

All the fighting that I was doing to keep my job, and all the fighting that I kept doing when I worked for my not-so-great-boss, was all centered around BEING RIGHT. 

It had nothing to do with the children that I had pledged to help educate. It had nothing to do with my bigger purpose. It had everything to do with my own sense of self-worth and self-preservation. I didn’t want to be demoted because what would that mean about me. I didn’t want to be back in the classroom after working so hard to take the next step because that would mean that I was a failure.

It had nothing to do with what was “right,” and everything to do with BEING right. Unfortunately, I didn’t see it at the time, and I continued fighting to be right, which eventually cost me my job.

If you are stuck in a fight yourselves, do you know what, exactly, you are fighting for?

In possibility,
​Theresa
​
P.S. We are talking about this issue over in the Emerge Book Circle, if you want to come join us. 

What if you didn't feel the way you think you feel?
What if your happiness wasn't happiness?
What if your sadness wasn't sadness?
What if it's all invented?

Earlier this week, I hosted a Radical Honesty class with a friend and colleague and we talked about what is TRUTH and what is not truth.

According to the teachings of Radical Honesty, there are only 3 truths we can speak of:
1) Our bodily sensations
2) Our physical surroundings
3) Our personal thoughts

As we explored this topic together and practiced telling the truth about all three, one of the other participants asked about feelings and how feelings fit into the mix of truth or untruth.

I came up with this equation:

Our bodily sensations + Our thoughts about those bodily sensations = Our feelings

The example was a racing heart. Is that racing heart a sign of being scared? Is it a sign of being excited? Is it a sign of some tachycardia, a medical condition?

As the one with the racing heart, you could decide any of the three, or none of them. Which means, you have the opportunity to INVENT whatever emotional label you want to put on it.

Which reminded me of a book called the "The Art of Possibility" by Ben and Rosamund Zander, with a chapter titled "It's All Invented." In it's pages it talks about exactly what I am describing above, though they didn't specifically talk about feelings. Their focus was on our judgements and beliefs being invented, so why not invent beliefs that will inspire you.

Who decided that blue was blue? 
Or that happy was happy?

I don't know either, but someone decided it--someone invented it.

Do you ever find that when you say "I'm tired," you sink a little lower or curl in on yourself a little more? Or maybe you yawn? I know that I do. It seems that the more I say the word the more I feel the feeling.

What if we shifted ourselves away from these invented words that described our feelings and instead focused on our bodily sensations? 

What if the next time you feel happy, you report not that you are happy, but that you feel a fluttering in your belly and a looseness in your chest? 

What if the next time you feel afraid, you report that you feel a ball in your stomach and a strong pull backward?

Obviously, all of these words are invented too, but by using descriptions instead of feeling words, we might be able to empower ourselves to reach a place where it feels AMAZING. 

Want to try it out with me right now? What bodily sensations do you notice right now?
​
In possibility,
Theresa

Over the weekend, I was in Los Angeles attending the Mindvalley Reunion. If you don't know who or what Mindvalley is, it is a global education company focused on transformation and personal development for body, mind, and spirit. The reunion is essentially a 3 day conference where a thousand or so people come together to listen to speakers, attend workshops, and be inspired. 

While I was there I met people whom I had met in previous years, as well as people that I have met virtually through some of Mindvalley's various courses.

Shortly after the reunion, one of the people that I met shot a video about her experience and tagged me in the comments so that I would be sure to see it. I am not sure how you feel about being tagged, but unless I am in the picture, I don't love it.

I replied to the person saying that it was nice to meet them and then asked that they not tag me in the future. I thought it was relatively harmless.

This morning, I woke up to a private FB message from the woman using the words "unkind" and "inappropriate." 

The first questions to pop into my mind were: "Huh? Where did that come from?", followed by, "How dare she call me unkind and inappropriate! What a b**ch!" 

Having spent too many years NOT SPEAKING MY TRUTH, I sent her a message back letting her know that I appreciated her for sharing her preferences with me, but that I DID NOT appreciate her insinuating that I was unkind and inappropriate, as I had not made any judgments or criticisms of her. I then invited her to think about what her judgments of me really meant about her.  

A few hours later, after talking to my power partner, I realized just how high I was sitting on my horse. 

One of the speakers at the conference talked about how there is no right or wrong, yet there I was sitting squarely in my righteousness, judging her for having judged me in the first place.

I was clearly right and she was clearly wrong, right? 
Not so much. 

I sent her the following message back:

Hey again...in the aftermath of my message back to you I could hear my own righteousness and judgement of you. UGH! What a cluster I have found myself in. It brings me back to what Dr. Shefali said about there not be a right or wrong. Since getting your message I have been making you wrong for judging me, which is a judgement in itself. If we take out right/wrong, there are preferences. There is what I like and what I don't like. There is what you like and what you don't like. I don't like being tagged without being asked first. I don't like being told I am unkind and inappropriate. You don't like that I asked you not to tag me in a public space. Anything else you don't like about my behavior? I am open to hearing it.

This whole encounter is a reminder that communication has many nuances and that no matter how much training I have done, or how many books I have read, I am still a human being with buttons that people will push, and which I will then react or respond to.  Sometimes I suck at communicating. (Which is another version of "bad"...I know.)

Ever been in a similar situation?

Forever human,
Theresa

I am currently reading a book about women and money and it quotes some statistics about how many women are financially self-sufficient. The number seemed quite low, so out of curiosity, I asked in a women’s group about their degree of financial self-sufficiency.

Out of the almost 50,000 women in the group, 543 commented. (Obviously, this is not statistically significant, but it did satisfy my curiosity.)

Most of the comments were positive shouts of, “I AM!” with a small percentage of comments along the lines of, “Not yet,” or “Getting there.”  

One woman responded by saying, “Is there a purpose to this exercise, other than to make people feel less than?”

At first, that comment made me freeze. It hurt me to think that I had hurt someone else. After a few moments (and a few deep breaths) I was able to let go of the tension because I knew in my heart of hearts that my intention was true curiosity. In no way did I intend for others to feel bad about themselves and their circumstances. (Unfortunately, intent and impact are not always aligned.)

The questions that came to mind next were: Do I respond? Do I speak my truth? Knowing that she is already hurt by my question, do I continue the conversation? Do I “defend” my actions? Do I let her know that in my opinion, it was not me who made her feel “less than” but that she is holding on to something else that allows her to feel this way?

It didn’t take me long to make the decision.

I took to my keyboard, clarified my intent, and then said, “If I have the power to make you feel “less then”, then I would, in turn, have the power to make you feel “more than”. Do you want to give me so much power.”

As you can imagine, she didn’t love my response, and proceeded to reply, “YOU ARE NOT LISTENING!!!!!” (Yes, just like that.) followed by several other sentences about my not being kind. Yet, on my side, I did a little happy dance. I had spoken my truth. I had been the catalyst to someone being pissed off, AND, at the same time, I felt so completely FREE for having done so. (Often very easy to do behind the screen…)

I have spent a great deal of my lifetime swallowing my truth rather than expressing it. Do you know what happens when I do? I suffer, and if there has been a relationship that I want to maintain, it suffers too. Many of us believe that by with-holding our truth we will preserve the relationship, but often the exact opposite occurs.

I know that I am not alone in this.  

If you also happen to be a truth swallower, I have an invitation for you.

I am teaming up with my friend and colleague, Marai Kiele, to teach a virtual class introducing you to Radical Honesty®, developed by therapist, Brad Blanton. It is all about freeing yourself by finally telling ALL of YOUR TRUTH :) We would be truly honored if joined us.

You can learn more about the class, the dates, and who it is for, by following this link.

In gratitude,
Theresa

PS. If you think anyone in your life would benefit from this class, please lovingly share this with them. ​

I was at the airport, hanging out watching my children play in the children’s area, when I opened up my phone connected to the free airport wi-fi, and saw the first words of a text message

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO….

It was as if I was a small child being scolded by a parent.

I had done something wrong.
I had hurt someone.
I had made a mistake.

I sent back a text saying. “You are right. I am sorry,” then turned off my phone, hugged my husband and cried.

The next day, I was fortunate enough to be able to talk to my POWER PARTNER--another coach, who I share with weekly, exchanging coaching, cheerleading, and other bits of wisdom with one another.

I cried again as I explained what had happened, and how I had done something wrong. How the words had just come out without thinking. How I had no intention of hurting anyone. How I hadn’t meant to be mean or malicious.

As most coaches are superb at doing, she helped me see another perspective. We took out the words RIGHT and WRONG from the equation. She reconnected me to my core essence and my core values--one of which is HONESTY. She reminded me that it isn’t necessary to apologize for being who you are, even if people around you don’t like who you are being.

As we talked, my body opened up, my breath deepened, and I felt the weight of my “wrongness” lift from my shoulders, as I began to see that there was nothing “wrong” with what I had done, even if someone else believed so.

I have EVERY RIGHT to be me.
I have EVERY RIGHT to speak my truth.
I have EVERY RIGHT live my values.

It might not always be comfortable for the people I interact with, and their truth might not align with my truth, but I should not have to hide who I am and what comes naturally to me because someone else doesn’t like it, or agree with it, or will end up disappointed.

And neither should you.

In alignment,
Theresa

​P.S. If given a second chance, I would have done this situation slightly differently, but with this reframe, I can live and learn without the guilt.

​

Have you ever engaged in sex with someone when you weren’t sure about your safety, or if you might walk way with something — disease, pregnancy, hurt feelings, etc. — you didn’t want? Don’t worry, I am not expecting a reply.

Here’s another question: 
Have you ever engaged in a conversation with someone when you were sure about your safety, or if you might walk away with something you didn’t want?

Here’s the thing:

We are more likely to use a safety mechanism to protect ourselves from the risks of sex than to use a safety mechanisms to protect us from the risks of conversation. Yet, most of us engage in conversations way more often than we engage in sex… and we aren’t protecting ourselves!

That is why I want to introduce you to the concept of conversational condoms.

Too often we walk away from conversations with something we don’t want, making a conversational condom a great antidote. It is a way to protect ourselves and the other person from the roller coaster of emotions and judgments that can occur when engaged in conversation, even when you hadn’t planned for them to be risky.

It’s a way to limit the spread of dis-ease that can occur when people become reactive to their feelings.

It’s a container (if you will) for the conversation so that unnecessary messes don’t need to be cleaned up later.

So what exactly does it look like?

Well, for every person it will look different. There are times when you won’t need one, and other times when you will. There are times when you hadn’t planned to need one, and you might end up pulling it out of your pocket. It’s always good to be prepared.

Step One: Spend time alone, bringing awareness to what feels good for you and what doesn’t. What areas of your emotional body are off limits? What areas are highly sensitive?

Step Two: Write down 2-3 agreements for how you want to be treated and talked to. These agreements will act as the container or conversational condom. Some examples might be: 1) We agree to speak our truth with kindness and grace. 2) We agree to ask questions when we don’t understand, or 3) We agree to keep use our voices and bodies to create a pleasurable experience for everyone.

Step Three: When engaged in a potentially unsafe conversation, take out your conversational condom, and present it to your conversation partner. If they are unfamiliar with its use, share what it is, why it is needed, and then reveal what your condom is composed of. When finished, ask your conversational partner if he or she agrees to using it.

Step Four: As you converse with your partner, pay attention to the condom, knowing that it can break at any time. You may need to reminder your partner that it is in place, and you may even need to pull outand try again another time.

As I mentioned above, there may be times when you are already engaged in a conversation, and you notice yourself tensing up and feeling unsafe. This is a great opportunity to pull a conversational condom out of your pocket, and start at step three or four.

If you have any questions about how to personalize your conversational condom in order to ensure the highest level of safety, please don’t hesitate to reach out.